Throwing In The Towel

Lately I feel like I am living the life of a stranger. I don't know who I am anymore or where I am going. My feelings don't seem to matter anymore because hope no longer exists. I stand alone and look back at my past and only see hardships, struggle and disappointments. The good times seem so vague and distant. I don't remember the last time I was truly happy. My current smiles come from temporary happiness wrapped around a lie i helped build. I'm tired of faking my smiles and all i want to do lately is cry. Sometimes I don't even know why.

At times I feel betrayed by myself. Does that even make sense? I choose to live an honest heartfelt life. I care for other people's feelings, watching my actions because of how they may affect others. I put others before myself time and time again that I guess I sometimes I expect the same consideration in return. Setting myself up for disappointment. While others focus on the flaws in people, I focus on their good.

I am starting to feel defeated by these constant and on going life lessons I try to move past. My morals no longer seem to have a purpose. I am slowly raising that white flag while loosening grip on that towel. I'm about to throw it in. I made this promise to myself that I will never permanently change who I am because of temporary sorrows. Promises can easily be broken, even when they are self made. Since history continues to repeat itself and my "temporary" sorrows are becoming more of a routine, I don't know how much more I can take before my morals lose importance.

I don't regret the choices I have made nor the people I have met, no matter how bad they have hurt me. On the contrary, I am glad I have been true to myself thus far and kept hope for those who don't deserve me. It's crazy how people can change you. And its sad how memories can drain you to a breaking point where you no longer want to be you.